( gaon looks at him for a moment too long, eyes narrowed, seeming to come to some kind of conclusion just so that an indulgent little grin can break across his face, summarily pleased. )
Yes.
( immediately he's reaching across to fill yohan's bowl again. the alcohol content is low enough he doesn't second guess it, doesn't give yohan the chance to demure, and then pours another for himself.
the pajeon arrives then, still steaming, slid onto the table between them and something in gaon's chest settles into place. it feels right, this whole little tableau. and maybe it's the makgeolli but that's fine. he's great. )
( Something turns watchful in Yohan's gaze as Gaon tips him more liquor. It isn't anything suspicious, he doesn't suspect Gaon of foul play, it's just curious for the sake of it, expression softening ever so slightly. But the pajeon looks good, Yohan is hungry and Gaon less angry by turns. He leans forward in his seat to crack the chopsticks open, gaze flicking upwards again.
A piece, broken away, all but shoved in his mouth as he chews. He doesn't even wait for it to cool, which means he breathes through his mouth a little, semi-uncouth. )
( he makes a face at yohan, already lifting his bowl and turning away to drain it again, thirsty for something he's never really found at the bottom of a bottle. it feels good, though, soothes over an ache. he meets yohan's eyes again and brushes his hair away from his forehead like he can brush the sentiment away, reaching to take his own set of chopsticks.
not that he doesn't like it. just. propriety.
he does like yohan like this, some of the seams loosened. a bigger shape than he is at work. )
I'd make you pajeon. ( faint pink rising in his cheeks, eyes brighter. ) Whenever you want.
It always feels like something when they talk. Yohan sees that pink flush and files it away somewhere, knowing full well that it will be brought out and picked at later, when he's alone. )
That's far too much power for you to offer me, Gaon-ah. I might start making demands.
( For pajeon. He's already started craving too much of Kim Gaon's food. )
( he steals pancake off the plate for himself and then, mouth full, reaches to pull another piece -- rich with scallions -- loose to place it on the far side of the plate for yohan. there's maybe a little more liquor in him than there should be and it's already hard enough to not act on instinct. )
You could. ( but he's not making eye contact, still aware enough to know that what he's saying is a step too close to admitting something. putting words to reality. he fits another mouthful of pajeon in and sits back, chewing thoughtfully, eyes on the road and the rain out the window over yohan's shoulder. ) I'll make you anything you want.
( The hunger rises again. Not for panjeon. Not for anything that Gaon could make him. The act itself, though. He feels it swell, unsettled inside of him. Strange, that he was sure he was above all those things. It certainly had never mattered before. )
Jogaetang.
( Semi-abrupt, but -. )
I've been craving it. There was a restaurant by my university. I'd get the stew whenever it was raining. ( The piece Gaon placed for him gets lifted with a little more reverence than Yohan's previously daring chopstick manhandling. He makes sure to savour it, this time. ) Or Yukgaejang. We'll be stuck with this weather for a while. Butler said so.
( gaon looks to yohan's face before he can catch himself. his mother had always had a thing about eating for the weather, about the seasonality of cooking, the way to grow a garden cohesively to carry through the year and yohan doesn't have any way of knowing that but it feels poignant right now. intentional. he searches yohan's eyes as if there might be something nefarious to the request, something that might come back to haunt him later, but if there's anything to find it's beyond him. )
I can do that. ( quieter, warmed through. understanding. he picks at another bite of pancake but doesn't bring it to his mouth yet. ) Since when are you sentimental like that?
( He shrugs without thinking, putting his chopsticks down to take his bowl, bring it to his mouth, swallowing the alcohol to give him space. )
I'm not. ( It's not a lie if that's what he believes of himself, right? The man who wears his dead brother's necklace around his wrist should surely not allow such a thing as sentiment guide him. Still, he seems to be searching for an answer, careful about it in the busy little restaurant. ) I just like comfort.
( He'd pretended food hadn't been part of that in the beginning, but the more Gaon cooks the more Yohan eats like it's reverent. But his books, his softer clothes, they all play into it. He'd just been a little more indulgent before. )
( gaon watches him too closely, unguarded. he'd be less obvious about it sober, but the makgeolli has rounded all the edges enough that subtlety is increasingly lost on him. he rolls his thumb against his chopsticks, considering, eyes narrowing as if pieces are falling into place that he didn't already have a firm grasp on (he did). )
Then why still live in that house?
( it's not as accusatory as he thinks he meant it to be. softened, the punch pulled, something genuine and quiet in the question. not a gotcha as much as it's a question worth asking. there are more comfortable places to live. what is the house if not its own tribute to sentiment? good or bad. )
( He looks up from the food, something guarded back in his expression. There's a moment where he doesn't say anything at all, shoulders briefly tense before he forces them back into their posture from moments before, finishing the bowl and placing it back down carefully. )
Elijah's memories of the house were good ones.
( Slowly, almost halting. Like his tongue is too big suddenly. The inverse is obvious. Yohan's were not. ) I thought about it. Back then. It would have been easier for her if we moved elsewhere. Somewhere with less stairs, for one. Less isolated for her physical therapy. But I believed she might need the memory of it. It had been all she ever knew. I'd hoped that would help.
( He settles back in his chair, a visible act of trying to loosen himself. )
Maybe I was wrong. It feels like a mausoleum most days.
( gaon isn't prepared for this level of honesty. it's just how it is with kang yohan, all the secrecy and silence for so much of the time, everything buttoned up to the collar like he couldn't dare let anything escape. and then out of nowhere, truth. admission. something bigger than gaon's expecting and he finds himself latching onto it with hungry teeth. something to know, something to keep, admission into a space he's forcibly carving out for himself.
he's careful now. yohan might border onto spooked if he's not. whatever this is, gaon wants to protect it. )
All we can do is make the best decision with the information we have.
( he's picking at the pajeon again, tearing away another piece to place on yohan's side of the plate, eyes on his task until he glances up. )
Did you want to be a parent? Were you ready to be one?
( understanding, not judgement. empathy for the position yohan had been so unceremoniously, bitterly put in. )
( He waits for the violence of movement to compel him. He knows himself. He knows that he does not talk about these things. Gaon moves a bit of the pancake towards him, a peace offering, and still Yohan does not throw himself from the chair and out the door. Progress? He doesn't know. His mouth twitches as he takes it up, holds it between the end of his chopsticks. )
No. I liked being an uncle, don't get me wrong. I'd always ask Isaac if there'd be more little ones in the future. Iseul-sinui wanted more. They'd planned on it. All of Elijah's baby stuff is still in the house stored away because they'd hoped to reuse it. But I knew being a parent myself wasn't for me. ( He was too much like his father, he was too much like the things people accused him of being. It would have been cruel to have a child dependent on him. Cruel, just like the world was, apparently. Poor Elijah. ) It's different going from babysitting to full-time care. There are things I should have done differently. I know that now.
( yohan's bowl isn't empty but gaon's is and he uses that as an excuse to busy himself, reaching across with his arm tucked close to pour first for yohan and then sitting back to pour for himself.
it's easier to meet yohan's eyes across the table that way. yohan's not wrong. gaon isn't sure he's parent material, either. especially burdened so immediately by trauma and loss, with the ghosts of should-have-beens haunting the years that followed. and elijah had been young, too. too young. and none of that would have been easy even for someone equipped with it. gaon sees it. he understands. and he knows elijah, too, and things aren't necessarily great but they could have been a lot worse, all things considered. alternatives. lost into a system.
he tips his bowl back at the returned question, just drunk enough to be caught off guard. he shakes his head as he swallows, then shrugs, setting the empty bowl back on the table and then shrugs again. )
Maybe? One day? ( an extraneous question, existing outside of whatever the fuck it is between them. he'd thought about it before. with soohyun, maybe, a hypothetical he couldn't ever quite wrap his mind around. he waves the question off instead, gesturing to yohan's bowl. ) I've been too busy with work, I don't have any grandmothers to bully me about it. You don't get to start.
can't believe i forgot to edit her name, this will haunt me forever
( Easily delivered, even though he's sure it comes with it's own vague barbs. He doesn't particularly like to think about Gaon settling with someone - knows himself enough to be aware of the jealousy in it, while also being certain whatever this is, it's not something he'll get to keep forever. He's too deep in his scheming, and not at all suited for something that lasts. Gaon will outgrow their flirtation at some point, he'll see sense. For now though, Yohan lifts his bowl and drinks, letting the liquor soothe it a little.
Apparently that just means continuing on. )
You have a natural care in you. And you're attentive. If it's something you want I'm sure you'd excel at it.
( half his face scrunches. it feels similar to an accusation in a way he's not sure he can quantify but he can guess where yohan's mind is taking him and that seems like very fucking dangerous territory given the circumstances. it's a nice evening. he's enjoying himself. so he hides the deep breath he takes in reaching for the pajeon and gestures at yohan with his chopsticks as he sits back. )
Aish, that's so much pressure. What am I going to do with a baby? I already worry about my plants, a child might give me a heart attack.
( are his cheeks pinker? he pours more makgeolli for himself as he chews even though yohan hasn't finished his. )
i'm being serious what if this is why i woke up at 6am again 😔
Sometimes they crawl into very tiny spaces when you're the only one looking after them and they hide there for what feels like hours, giggling away to themselves while you search a mammoth house. ( Sternly delivered, but there's a very specific light in his eyes. A memory from before. Babysitting as a devoted uncle. ) Taking a nap in a cubby hole while your current caretaker starts going grey. I got very, very drunk that night once they got home. Isaac had to put both of us to bed.
( A huff of a laugh, he drains his bowl, finishes the piece of pancake carefully. His shoulders loosen, )
Aish, but you're still young. Who knows where your life might take you?
( the initial look of confusion gives way to disgust and then to horror as yohan's story continues, to the point where he's forgotten that he's brought the bowl halfway to his mouth. he sits there for a second too long before he shakes his head again and follows yohan's drink with his own. )
No. That sounds like hell. I'd never sleep again.
( a child there one moment and then gone the next, the panic rising, the fear-- gaon shakes his head again more firmly to dispel any notion that this is a path he feels he needs to go down. and some of it is the drink, absolutely. sober he'd probably have a different opinion. but right now he just sucks his teeth and plants his hands on the table to help him get to his feet. )
Where else would I go, eh? ( To prove a point he settles more firmly in his seat, fingers tugging his phone from inside his blazer pocket, the picture of relaxed and uncaring. Effortless. Unruffled. ) Just don't be long. I'm not coming in after you.
( Then he lets his gaze slide away from Gaon's flushed face, back to the dark screen. He should probably do some texting while he's here. )
( there's a moment where he just stands and looks at yohan. it could be any of those moments, usually less obvious than this, where he's trying to read something out of what the tableau is offering, but after a couple of breaths it becomes obvious that gaon just needed to find his balance.
too much too fast. he's fine.
he leaves yohan for the bathroom, weaving between tables with a little more sway to his step than usual. he's not long. maybe a little worse for the wear on his way back, cheeks fully flushed, using seat backs to support himself until he can land too heavily in his own again. )
I'm glad you came in. ( without fanfare, genuine, a smile on his face again as he reaches for the bottle to top them both up. ) This is nice.
Mm. ( A low thrum, possible agreement. ) You're drunk.
( Unlike any other time, Yohan doesn't seem put off by the fact. There's an ever so slight curl to his mouth, faint amusement lurking at the corners. He watches Gaon with dark eyes holding barely in check fondness, tapping the edge of his phone against his folded knee. )
Elijah says she wants us to bring burgers back when we're done. And that I'm to drive with the passenger window down, because she needs you alert enough to watch a video with her later. I don't know which. You can ignore her, but on your own head be it.
( he's only half listening to start, caught off guard by the decisions that have been made on his behalf. his brow furrows as he pours first for yohan (whether he's drinking or not) and then for himself. his eyes lift to yohan's as he lifts his bowl, serious for a half-beat and then his face crumbles into a smile and he turns away quickly to drink before yohan can try to stop him. )
I'm not drunk.
( as he sets the bowl down a touch too loud, pleased with himself. he is. arguing for argument's sake. he picks at what's left of the pajeon just a hair shy of clumsy with his chopsticks and comes up with a suitable piece to put in his mouth. )
What kind of burgers does she want? How much are you willing to spend? There's a place that's kind of on the way that's really good, you should splurge.
( It should be annoying. It would have been, before. But something has begun to change between them, a slow eroding of water on rock. Yohan finds his own mouth twitching at the corners, one eyebrow lifting in response to the smile. It's cute. He doesn't quite know what to do with it. )
All right, I'll believe you.
( His phone pings, he lifts it back up to read it, thumb moving over the screen. )
More demands. Tch. ( Eyes lifting. ) Does Kim Gaon have any others? It seems to be the day for it.
( he nods slowly at yohan as he chews as if he has an answer prepared. he doesn't, but the urge to see what he can get away with rises quicker than he can temper it and he reaches to tap at what's left of the pajeon (eat more, yohan), swallowing. )
I want banana milk.
( obviously. kang yohan should have guessed. gaon folds his arms on the table in front of him, still rolling his chopsticks between his fingers, and his eyes narrow suspiciously. theatrically, thanks to the wine. )
( It produces a laugh, a short sharp burst of sound before he's lifting a too large piece of the pajeon and shoving it in his mouth, chewing almost lazily. Once he swallows he lifts an eyebrow, gaze sparking in amusement. )
There's a 7-11 around the corner, I'm sure they sell banana milk.
( As demands go, it's tame. )
And I am. It looks like everyone else is also done for the day, and I'm beginning to understand there are more interesting things I could be doing. ( Babysitting. ) So I thought why not?
( he's only half listening to the answer. picking up the important parts. there's only a couple bites of pajeon left and he corrals one onto his side of the plate and pushes the rest toward yohan as the last bite. )
Eat up.
( his mind has moved past the pancake and the makgeolli and he's already got one foot in the convenience store in his mind, an urgency behind his motions that banana milk generally doesn't inspire. maybe it should. he shoves his own bite into his mouth and reaches to swirl what's left of the makgeolli in its bottle. )
Do you want anymore of this? ( because someone has to finish and gaon absolutely will. )
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Yes.
( immediately he's reaching across to fill yohan's bowl again. the alcohol content is low enough he doesn't second guess it, doesn't give yohan the chance to demure, and then pours another for himself.
the pajeon arrives then, still steaming, slid onto the table between them and something in gaon's chest settles into place. it feels right, this whole little tableau. and maybe it's the makgeolli but that's fine. he's great. )
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A piece, broken away, all but shoved in his mouth as he chews. He doesn't even wait for it to cool, which means he breathes through his mouth a little, semi-uncouth. )
Yours would be better.
( Already a devout convert. )
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not that he doesn't like it. just. propriety.
he does like yohan like this, some of the seams loosened. a bigger shape than he is at work. )
I'd make you pajeon. ( faint pink rising in his cheeks, eyes brighter. ) Whenever you want.
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It always feels like something when they talk. Yohan sees that pink flush and files it away somewhere, knowing full well that it will be brought out and picked at later, when he's alone. )
That's far too much power for you to offer me, Gaon-ah. I might start making demands.
( For pajeon. He's already started craving too much of Kim Gaon's food. )
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You could. ( but he's not making eye contact, still aware enough to know that what he's saying is a step too close to admitting something. putting words to reality. he fits another mouthful of pajeon in and sits back, chewing thoughtfully, eyes on the road and the rain out the window over yohan's shoulder. ) I'll make you anything you want.
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Jogaetang.
( Semi-abrupt, but -. )
I've been craving it. There was a restaurant by my university. I'd get the stew whenever it was raining. ( The piece Gaon placed for him gets lifted with a little more reverence than Yohan's previously daring chopstick manhandling. He makes sure to savour it, this time. ) Or Yukgaejang. We'll be stuck with this weather for a while. Butler said so.
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I can do that. ( quieter, warmed through. understanding. he picks at another bite of pancake but doesn't bring it to his mouth yet. ) Since when are you sentimental like that?
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I'm not. ( It's not a lie if that's what he believes of himself, right? The man who wears his dead brother's necklace around his wrist should surely not allow such a thing as sentiment guide him. Still, he seems to be searching for an answer, careful about it in the busy little restaurant. ) I just like comfort.
( He'd pretended food hadn't been part of that in the beginning, but the more Gaon cooks the more Yohan eats like it's reverent. But his books, his softer clothes, they all play into it. He'd just been a little more indulgent before. )
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Then why still live in that house?
( it's not as accusatory as he thinks he meant it to be. softened, the punch pulled, something genuine and quiet in the question. not a gotcha as much as it's a question worth asking. there are more comfortable places to live. what is the house if not its own tribute to sentiment? good or bad. )
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Elijah's memories of the house were good ones.
( Slowly, almost halting. Like his tongue is too big suddenly. The inverse is obvious. Yohan's were not. ) I thought about it. Back then. It would have been easier for her if we moved elsewhere. Somewhere with less stairs, for one. Less isolated for her physical therapy. But I believed she might need the memory of it. It had been all she ever knew. I'd hoped that would help.
( He settles back in his chair, a visible act of trying to loosen himself. )
Maybe I was wrong. It feels like a mausoleum most days.
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he's careful now. yohan might border onto spooked if he's not. whatever this is, gaon wants to protect it. )
All we can do is make the best decision with the information we have.
( he's picking at the pajeon again, tearing away another piece to place on yohan's side of the plate, eyes on his task until he glances up. )
Did you want to be a parent? Were you ready to be one?
( understanding, not judgement. empathy for the position yohan had been so unceremoniously, bitterly put in. )
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No. I liked being an uncle, don't get me wrong. I'd always ask Isaac if there'd be more little ones in the future. Iseul-sinui wanted more. They'd planned on it. All of Elijah's baby stuff is still in the house stored away because they'd hoped to reuse it. But I knew being a parent myself wasn't for me. ( He was too much like his father, he was too much like the things people accused him of being. It would have been cruel to have a child dependent on him. Cruel, just like the world was, apparently. Poor Elijah. ) It's different going from babysitting to full-time care. There are things I should have done differently. I know that now.
( He tried though. )
What about you? Do you want children?
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it's easier to meet yohan's eyes across the table that way. yohan's not wrong. gaon isn't sure he's parent material, either. especially burdened so immediately by trauma and loss, with the ghosts of should-have-beens haunting the years that followed. and elijah had been young, too. too young. and none of that would have been easy even for someone equipped with it. gaon sees it. he understands. and he knows elijah, too, and things aren't necessarily great but they could have been a lot worse, all things considered. alternatives. lost into a system.
he tips his bowl back at the returned question, just drunk enough to be caught off guard. he shakes his head as he swallows, then shrugs, setting the empty bowl back on the table and then shrugs again. )
Maybe? One day? ( an extraneous question, existing outside of whatever the fuck it is between them. he'd thought about it before. with soohyun, maybe, a hypothetical he couldn't ever quite wrap his mind around. he waves the question off instead, gesturing to yohan's bowl. ) I've been too busy with work, I don't have any grandmothers to bully me about it. You don't get to start.
can't believe i forgot to edit her name, this will haunt me forever
( Easily delivered, even though he's sure it comes with it's own vague barbs. He doesn't particularly like to think about Gaon settling with someone - knows himself enough to be aware of the jealousy in it, while also being certain whatever this is, it's not something he'll get to keep forever. He's too deep in his scheming, and not at all suited for something that lasts. Gaon will outgrow their flirtation at some point, he'll see sense. For now though, Yohan lifts his bowl and drinks, letting the liquor soothe it a little.
Apparently that just means continuing on. )
You have a natural care in you. And you're attentive. If it's something you want I'm sure you'd excel at it.
woe the shame u have brung
Aish, that's so much pressure. What am I going to do with a baby? I already worry about my plants, a child might give me a heart attack.
( are his cheeks pinker? he pours more makgeolli for himself as he chews even though yohan hasn't finished his. )
i'm being serious what if this is why i woke up at 6am again 😔
( Heart attacks. )
Sometimes they crawl into very tiny spaces when you're the only one looking after them and they hide there for what feels like hours, giggling away to themselves while you search a mammoth house. ( Sternly delivered, but there's a very specific light in his eyes. A memory from before. Babysitting as a devoted uncle. ) Taking a nap in a cubby hole while your current caretaker starts going grey. I got very, very drunk that night once they got home. Isaac had to put both of us to bed.
( A huff of a laugh, he drains his bowl, finishes the piece of pancake carefully. His shoulders loosen, )
Aish, but you're still young. Who knows where your life might take you?
bc u got a lady's name wrong??
No. That sounds like hell. I'd never sleep again.
( a child there one moment and then gone the next, the panic rising, the fear-- gaon shakes his head again more firmly to dispel any notion that this is a path he feels he needs to go down. and some of it is the drink, absolutely. sober he'd probably have a different opinion. but right now he just sucks his teeth and plants his hands on the table to help him get to his feet. )
Life is taking me to the bathroom. Stay.
ye i gotta be the best or NOTHING
Stay, like he's easily commanded. )
Where else would I go, eh? ( To prove a point he settles more firmly in his seat, fingers tugging his phone from inside his blazer pocket, the picture of relaxed and uncaring. Effortless. Unruffled. ) Just don't be long. I'm not coming in after you.
( Then he lets his gaze slide away from Gaon's flushed face, back to the dark screen. He should probably do some texting while he's here. )
what if ur already the best??
too much too fast. he's fine.
he leaves yohan for the bathroom, weaving between tables with a little more sway to his step than usual. he's not long. maybe a little worse for the wear on his way back, cheeks fully flushed, using seat backs to support himself until he can land too heavily in his own again. )
I'm glad you came in. ( without fanfare, genuine, a smile on his face again as he reaches for the bottle to top them both up. ) This is nice.
wow don't try to butter me up
( Unlike any other time, Yohan doesn't seem put off by the fact. There's an ever so slight curl to his mouth, faint amusement lurking at the corners. He watches Gaon with dark eyes holding barely in check fondness, tapping the edge of his phone against his folded knee. )
Elijah says she wants us to bring burgers back when we're done. And that I'm to drive with the passenger window down, because she needs you alert enough to watch a video with her later. I don't know which. You can ignore her, but on your own head be it.
( He doesn't want his toes run over. Again. )
like a piece of toast
I'm not drunk.
( as he sets the bowl down a touch too loud, pleased with himself. he is. arguing for argument's sake. he picks at what's left of the pajeon just a hair shy of clumsy with his chopsticks and comes up with a suitable piece to put in his mouth. )
What kind of burgers does she want? How much are you willing to spend? There's a place that's kind of on the way that's really good, you should splurge.
🥰
All right, I'll believe you.
( His phone pings, he lifts it back up to read it, thumb moving over the screen. )
More demands. Tch. ( Eyes lifting. ) Does Kim Gaon have any others? It seems to be the day for it.
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I want banana milk.
( obviously. kang yohan should have guessed. gaon folds his arms on the table in front of him, still rolling his chopsticks between his fingers, and his eyes narrow suspiciously. theatrically, thanks to the wine. )
You're done work for the day?
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There's a 7-11 around the corner, I'm sure they sell banana milk.
( As demands go, it's tame. )
And I am. It looks like everyone else is also done for the day, and I'm beginning to understand there are more interesting things I could be doing. ( Babysitting. ) So I thought why not?
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( he's only half listening to the answer. picking up the important parts. there's only a couple bites of pajeon left and he corrals one onto his side of the plate and pushes the rest toward yohan as the last bite. )
Eat up.
( his mind has moved past the pancake and the makgeolli and he's already got one foot in the convenience store in his mind, an urgency behind his motions that banana milk generally doesn't inspire. maybe it should. he shoves his own bite into his mouth and reaches to swirl what's left of the makgeolli in its bottle. )
Do you want anymore of this? ( because someone has to finish and gaon absolutely will. )
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just go with it ok i like it it suits
aaaaaa cute / my bad there's never been any hot sweet potatos in the videos i watch 😔
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